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How much of who you are is actually a choice, and how much is just a reaction you have repeated so many times it started to feel like identity?
In this episode of Everyday Ancestral, I sit down with Grant Dziak, a mental performance coach and perspective specialist who helps people understand the patterns driving how they think, react, and live. This conversation is about programming, nervous system regulation, blame, relationships, self-awareness, and the uncomfortable but freeing realization that we are often the common denominator in the patterns we keep repeating.
Grant explains that much of our behavior is built from old programming. The way we respond in relationships, the way we resist change, the excuses that feel completely legitimate, and even the way we interpret someone else’s words can all be shaped by past experiences. But the hopeful part is this: once you can see the pattern, you can interrupt it and begin to choose something different.
Why This Matters to You
Feeling like you keep reacting the same way? Grant explains that many of our reactions are simply old programming running in the background. Whether it is defensiveness, blame, shutting down, or firing back, the first step is recognizing that the reaction may not be who you are. It may be a pattern you learned.
Trying to change but always falling back? Grant talks about how unfamiliarity can feel like a threat to the brain. Whether you are changing your diet, your habits, your relationship patterns, or the way you communicate, your brain often wants to cling to what it knows because what is familiar feels safe.
Stuck blaming other people? Grant challenges the comfort of blame. Blame is easier than self-examination because it points outward, but it also keeps you stuck. If you only blame, you never get to the part you can actually change: yourself, your lens, your response, and the pattern you keep bringing into the next situation.
Feeling triggered by people around you? Grant makes an important distinction: other people may hit a trigger, but the trigger lives inside you. That does not mean excusing harmful behavior or letting unsafe people back into your life. It means learning how to understand your own response so the same wound does not keep running your life.
Wondering how to actually interrupt the pattern? Grant offers a simple starting point: let the first “word” be a breath. That one breath interrupts the automatic reaction and creates space between what happened and how you respond. That space is where change begins.
Actionable Advice
Pause before you respond. Let your first response be a breath, especially when you feel yourself getting defensive, angry, or reactive.
Notice your old programming. Pay attention to the reactions you repeat in relationships, health, work, money, and family. Repetition often reveals the pattern.
Regulate your nervous system first. If your body is in threat mode, your brain will interpret more things as attacks. Calm the body before trying to solve the problem.
Question your excuses. Grant explains that excuses feel legitimate because they come through the lens of your lived experience. Ask whether the excuse is protecting an old pattern.
Take responsibility for your part. This is not about blaming yourself for everything. It is about identifying the part you can actually change so you stop recreating the same pattern in a new situation.
Links and Resources to Explore
Grant’s own journey includes confronting patterns in his relationships and reaching the uncomfortable realization that he was the common denominator in the painful dynamics he kept experiencing. Instead of staying in blame, he began looking inward, regulating his nervous system, shifting his perspective, and learning how to respond differently. That work now shapes the way he helps others see their own programming, interrupt old reactions, and step into a more intentional way of living.
This episode is for general information only and is not medical advice. Nothing here is intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any condition. Talk to your doctor before making changes to your care.
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